Re-imagining The Illiad – Book I

Lets talk about how Achilles fucked with the Archaeans. He killed a lot of them after he had a falling out with the king. Apollo was the antagonist who egged them on, because the king had dishonored one of his priests Chryses (like, crisis, which is what he caused) so Apollo wants to ruin the king, and Achilles can do that. Crisis shows up with ransom money and asks them to free his daughter, who happened to be in Priam when the king and his brother sacked it. All of the Archaeans are super down to let her go and not incur the wrath of Apollo, but Agamemnon for whatever reason feels like he should be #rude and tells the old man he’s going to keep his daughter and he’s super sexist about it, like, he basically says she will grow old as his seamstress/harem-slave.

Chryses freaks out and leaves, because Agamemnon would kill him otherwise, but before he leaves he prays to remind Apollo that he’s has always been a fan of him, burning a lot of resources in his honor, and like, Apollo owes him a solid. Apollo hears him and he says “not in my house,” and sends a plague that kills off all of the animals and then the people in the Archaean camps. Finally after nine days of death Juno decides to step in and is like, you need to stop, so she uses Achilles (everyone is always using Achilles to fight their battles), because the troops love him, and so he gets everyone together and suggests they all should go home and take some space, because everyone is dying, and maybe ask Apollo why he’s so upset to see if they can come to a congenial agreement moving forward.

Then this guy, who is the wisest named Calchas he’s like, “OK I will tell you why Apollo is mad, but you have to back me up because this is going to piss-off Agamemnon and I really like being alive,” to which Achilles is like, “we promise, chill.” (We assume Agamemnon is there too like, making a bratty face at him and rolling his eyes). So Calchas says what we already knew, that Agamemnon was rude to Apollo’s main man Chrysis and won’t give his daughter back, so if he would JUST do that, all of this would probably come to an end. Agamemnon, who we’ll call Aggie, behaves how you think he would, throwing a tantrum and saying that Calchas always says bad things about him and loves to assume the worst of him and make shitty “prophecies” about how they should move forward. Aggie being the most important “big man” says the only way he will give the girl back, whom he apparently now loves (which no one is buying), is if they get him a better prize, because everyone else got one and he can’t go without. Aggie is so sexist and shitty.

Achilles really doesn’t want to deal with this bullshit so he’s like, “Aggie… how do you propose we find you something better? We already split everything else up, and we can’t do take-backsies from the rest of the guys. Just give her back and we’ll give you three new presents when we sack Troy.” so Aggie tells Achilles that he’ll send the girl back for now, but if he can’t find something better, then he’ll just take Achilles’ things or Ajax’s things or Ulysses’ things! So by this point Achilles is pissed so he’s gonna lay it out and tell it like it is:

“Aggie, you are being so rude right now. Nobody here is fighting for themselves, we’re here for you, the Trojans never personally pissed me off or took my shit, I live literally an ocean away from them. You’re not even here for a good reason, you’re here for Menelaus and your selfish-self. Maybe you’ve forgotten who you’re popping-off to, because you’re threatening to take away the things I literally bled for, keeping in mind that you always take all the best stuff and way more than everyone else, Sir Insolence! #Burn (he actually says sir insolence), I’m going home, this is bullshit.”

Aggie whines some more about Achilles being insubordinate and that he can leave if he wants. Achilles is so done so he’s like “aight, I’m gonna stab him, I should stab him,” and Minerva (that’s Athena) has to come all the way down from heaven and pull him back by his hair because Juno (Hera) loves both of them and wants everyone to just be cool. Achilles decides he’ll just fight with his words and calls Aggie out for never fighting himself and just relying on everyone else, then pulls a little red hen and says “when Hector is slaying you later, Ima be missing from that fight.”

Now Nestor the adviser steps in and he mentions that the Trojans would be really happy to see the two fighting like this rather than preparing for a war. He’s older than both of them and he really cares, because he doesn’t want to see them lose their lives, and he knows they’ll be strongest together. He calms everyone down telling Aggie to just let it go about the girl, and reminding that Achilles may be a bad ass, but he’s definitely not stronger than Aggie who has way more people under his command.

Aggie is finally like, “whatever, I get it, but he still shouldn’t be allowed to speak to me like that because I’m a king,” and Achilles interrupts him saying “well would you even respect me if I just gave in to everything you said? Also, I don’t even care, I’m not giving you anything, goodbye.” So they walk away from that total failure in communication and Aggie sends Chryses’ daughter back to him and has everyone in the camp burn more animal bits to apologize to Apollo. Then, because Aggie is a dick, he tells his men to go steal Achilles bae Briseus and if they all die in the process he’ll just send more.

Achilles is the head of the Myrmidons, and you can think of them like really bad-ass mermaids if you want. Anyways when Aggie’s men get to the camp, they’re probably thinking they’re gonna die, but Achilles is the homie. He’s like, “you guys, I know that your commanding officer is being a child right now, and in this day and age, unfortunately, you can die for that. So just take her to him, but seriously, if you guys ever need my help again, don’t even ask, I’m really done.” They take her, and Achilles needs some alone time so he goes down to the sea-shore to cry about how unfair Aggie is being right now, so his mom comes up out of the sea in some mist and asks him if he’s ok, and we all know that when your mom does that it just makes you cry even more. So he explains it all and asks her to go tell the Gods to punish him. She’s like, “I totally hear you on that, they’re actually at a feast in Ethiopia for the next 12 days, so try to stay strong, and just stay out of it for now, and I think I can get them to do that for you.” Then she leaves and Achilles is a little better but still mad about Briseus.

While this is going on, Ulysses returns Chryses daughter and they’re stoked so they have this huge BBQ for Apollo all day and all night.

The Gods get back from their vacation and Thetis (Achilles’ mom) goes to see Jove (Zeus) and asks him to punish Aggie, and at first Jove is like, OMG if I do that Juno will get so mad at me, but then Thetis gives him mad stink-eye so he’s like, alright we just have to be sneaky so she doesn’t find out. Thetis bows out right before Juno gets home and Juno’s super suspicious like, “um… who was here? Who were you talking to, I know you’re doing stuff behind my back.” Jove’s like, “is it your business every time I talk to someone? I seriously can’t do anything without you getting in my business, I am NOT above smacking you.” So Juno decides to stop asking because Jove is probably an abusive husband and Juno does not have a safety net and cannot get out.

Her son Vulcan comes to find her later and Juno is upset so he gives her some wine and holds her and says it’s ok and he loves her and he wishes there was more he could do because he knows that Jove is a total chauvinist. She cheers up a little and it like, “whatever, I just need to dance,” so she gets more wine and all the rest of the gods come over and they have a big party, and at the end of the day, both Jove and Juno go to bed together having made-up.














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